Friday, December 12, 2008

summer before 7th grade

seventh grade was jenni lickman. i remember her wearing red and white candy striped shorts, sliding down the big metal slide at heritage park. she was lanky and had long blond hair, knobby knees and deep set eyes. she pushed her way around things and had dave and i in a bit of a competition for her attention. one afternoon we were all playing sexual hide and go seek in the basement of her parents house with the lights out. i don't remember the exact rules but it was something to the effect of find a partner to hide with and see what you can explore. there was 8 or 10 of us playing, about an even mix of boys and girls.

jenni and i ended up on the floor behind the armchair psuedo-tickling each other. i went straight for her vagina, she didn't reach for my goose because she was squirming, laughing and protecting. i wiggled my hand down her jean shorts and felt the patch of hair. that was the first vagina i ever touched.

she still hasn't seen my penis.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

before i jack off today...

...let me tell you about why this blog exists. i have mentally, spiritially and at some point i'm sure physically, sexually harassed many a vagina, and this is a review all of the cases i can remember to clear my vagina debts with the google overlords. i will attempt to recall every encounter over the past 28 years of life starting with the first time i saw a vagina.

bear in mind the words of thom yorke: i am a reasonable man, get off my case.

her name was carla and she was my nanny's daughter. i was four years old wandering through the laundry room in the basement. i remember i liked to frequent that room between mandatory television hours because nanny would hang her bras out to dry. sometimes i would pull on the strap, stretching and lowering to get a whiff of the d cup before it snapped back into place.

at the back of the laundry room was a bathroom with red walls and no door gaurding the toilet. i walked back to use the toilet and didn't know carla was already there. she had her legs spread open with her head down, inspecting the hairs around her vagina lips with both hands. i think she was 14 or 15 at the time. that was the first vagina i ever saw.

then i had my first crush on a girl named heidi. she was quiet and smart with a plaid red dress, the kind you'd find around christmas time with golden bows and green trim. she had thick, wavy blond hair and white knee high socks with green eyes. it was kindergarten and she was shy. i went to the mall with my sister to pick out a gift for her - a couple of bracelets that i found at "the it store". i was too shy to give them to her and ask her to be my girlfriend, so i gave them to my sister instead and kept my crush on heidi a kindergarten secret, i always regretted that lack of courage.

in first grade i started to notice girls taking an interest in me. not the pretty ones of course, but two in particular - stephanie jefferson and stephanie young. the first was red headed with freckles and dwarfed all the other kids in both size and height, i could tell she felt very self conscious and out of place. the second was a pronounced tomboy and threatened to kick boys asses on a daily basis. she found me this year on facebook. she has 7 children and another on the way.

second grade was mrs. okeef's class. she was a large and hefty lady that strutted around in high heels and spikey dike hair, cutting her eyes at the class as she yelled "SHHHHHHT" with her chin thrust forward at us, accenting the T on the end of her order. i always thought it sounded like she was saying "shit" drawn out. she was tough and snappy. there was another girl that had a crush on me that year. melanie, she was the first girl that i can remember crying because i didn't like her in return. she wrote a note and asked me to check the box, it was easy being honest until that day.

in third grade mrs. davies read us the hobbit. i was fascinated. i was also infatuated with nadia. she was tall for her age and of indian decent. i remember her being a fast runner with long black hair, that she carried a pink lunch pail and often smelled of curry. i didn't ever get up the nerve to ask her out to where ever it is that a third grade date might end up. but i remember being attracted to the fact that she was tall, intelligent and carried herself well.

the next encounter was in fourth grade, mrs. robinson's class, after seeing porn for the first time. my friend kris and i asked jessica in the park if she would fuck us. we said it as a team, "will you" said kris, "fuck us?" said i. jessica was a bit randy for our age and we figured she would be down with the idea. she just gawked at us for a while and then asked "why?". i guess that makes sense.

that same year i attempted to french kissed my first victim, julie morsette. she was loud and outspoken with big brown eyes and pouty lips. she was like madonna of fourth grade, not afraid to dance and dare. i passed her a note during an in-class movie one day when the lights were low and she checked the right box. we were holding hands by the time the lights came on. our intentions were so simple and to the point at that age. at the end of the day it was time to kiss. the word had spread and in the yard there was a circle of our peers around us chanting "kiss, kiss, kiss". we were both the daring type and somewhat thrilled for all the attention. so we smiled sheepishly at each other and let our adrenaline pull us closer. i leaned in first and she met me half way. our lips touched and the crowd jeered. we dated for 11 months without really having to change our lifestyles or activities at all. just kissed and held hands every now and again. she didn't have any boobs yet anyway and i was still curious about the fact that my penis didn't look like the one on the overhead projector in our health lesson. so we kept it simple, talking on the phone and watching movies. until i broke up with her for reasons i can't recall. i called her house one day afterwards and her mom answered in a romantic french-canadian accent. "why joo want to make my daughter cry?" she asked me. i froze. still frozen, i've found a reason for this blog - all the crying daughters.

fifth grade was mrs. taylors class. she was from england, and pregnant for most of the year so she only taught in the mornings. mrs. mcneil taught in the afternoons. mrs. taylor was sound and intelligent, rarely raising her voice at us, she was everybodys favorite with her nurturing spirit - to both students and faculty. she was a proper woman to me and i don't recall having any lewd fantasies with that teacher, perhaps because she was pregnant or english or both. mrs. mcneil on the other hand was tall and commanding with a very direct attitude, attractive and powerful in appearance. i liked to get a rise out of her when i could. there was something exhilerating about having all of her might and presence decended upon me. she had rouge defined cheekbones, a thin nose and squared shoulders. i still hadn't hit puberty, the hair wouldn't even begin to come in until 9th grade.

sixth grade became more interesting. it was the first time i had a male teacher, mr. rudell. i hated that son of a bitch with passion. i couldn't get away with as much around him and that's when it ended. i was no longer a kid, but being taught to grow into a man. kicking and screaming about comics and bart simpson, music and basketball. i joined the wrestling team and waved goodbye to puppy loving. now it was sport and the art of seduction. that's when i saw my second vagina.

elain bell. she showed me her pussy in a townhome bathroom. blond haired and short for her age, she pulled her jogging pants down and counted to 10. i stared wide eyed and amazed that she was okay with the dare, and surprised that she had so much hair. we were supposed to be on a rotation. girls first, then boys - go into the bathroom one at a time and show off your junk while you count to ten. elaine was first and then the game ended, i don't know why. but i didn't show off my hairless mongoose that day, i needed to catch up. to speed up the puberty process and compete with my fellow expeditionists, er, exhibitionists. whatever. hardly a seduction, it was an introduction to the game - show me yours and i'll show you mine.